Sunday, 1 March 2009

My O.C.

As a sidestep from music, I feel like I have to talk about real life for a bit.

I'm not sure how this entry is to start, I'm not sure how it will end, I'm not sure of a lot of things to do with this. I haven't even decided on whether I'll actually hit "Publish Post" when I've finished it. But let's try and begin this.

When someone effectively holds you in some kind of regard as being a potential start of a potential downfall in their own life, how are you meant to take it? I have always been the type of character that on the offchance that I have wronged someone, then I will apologise accordingly. And it's not often that I wrong someone, it's honestly not who I am 99% of the time. A friend of mine told me recently that apologising is a sign of weakness, and by apologising, you very rarely ever gain someones forgiveness. If anything, it just validates their reasons for feeling negative towards you even more. I can completely understand and sympathise with this theory, but it's not something I think I buy into. I've always been one for saying sorry when I feel it, whether that does me good or bad.

If you can remember back to the last time someone let you down, whether it was a loved one breaking up with you,  someone breaking a promise, someone not keeping a secret, would you let it affect the rest of your life? Of course you would. You'd be a bit more careful in future, you'd take the time to know someone better before trusting them absolute, right? Unfortunately, we live in a society where sleeping around is normal, promises aren't worth as much as they once were, and secrets are loosened from tongues with copious amounts of alcohol. (Disclaimer; I'm not one for sleeping around, I keep promises, and I never let secrets slip, just in case you thought I was talking from experience)

I think what I'm getting at, is that I can't understand the rationale of people sometimes. We all make mistakes, that one thing is for certain, but it's when our past mistakes are held over our heads by others, as some sort of twisted trophy, that I get confused. Recently, I was interrupted from a conversation by someone who felt the need to take the person I was talking to to one side, and warn them that I was an absolute prick of sorts. (back story, it was a friend of an ex-girlfriend, whom I'd never really spoke to before). I totally applaud this in a way; All he was doing was looking out for a friend. But he had never spoken to me before, didn't know anything about me, other than what someone with an incredibly low opinion of me had told him. This had a huge effect on me. It still plays on my mind now, that someone can have such an opinion of someone pushed upon them, and then that's all they know. I feel there are certain conversations I need to have in the near future to hopefully clear things of this nature up. And most importantly; the most useful source of information regarding me? It's me. So don't believe everything you hear? Primary research is better than secondary.

I've always believed that if you are happy in yourself then, well, you're doing alright. If you can be happy spending a day with just yourself as company, and don't end the day feeling miserable or depressed, then that's a good sign. Not to say you shouldn't spend time with friends or loved ones, but I have seen so many people recently in bad relationships just because they don't want to be alone. Is this the right way to be? We're built to be with others, but I'm a firm believer that there's got to be the right "other" out there, right?

I was berated for following my heart recently, and to be absolutely fair, I don't understand why. I listen to what my head tells me, don't get me wrong, but if my heart knows what it wants, I can't stop that. It's why my new EP is going to be titled Butterflies, it's why i've made mistakes in the past, it's why I am where I am now, and it's why I always aim to be a better person.

If i've hurt you in the past, then i'm sorry. None of us are perfect, none of us ever will be.

But i'm going to try and be better. And i'm going to do what my heart tells me. And if my brain is agreeing with my heart, then that's poetry.


(There's every chance I'll reread this in the morning and delete it for being a bit too .. something.  Honest? Not sure. Enjoy it while it's up)

Sincerley,

Stef

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